Defining Success
By Victoria Fortune
"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it."
--Maya Angelou
Being the third of four sisters, I am accustomed to being in the middle, but the array of “middles” I’m in now are things my birth order did not prepare me for. I’m entering middle age, with its unsettling changes in everything from faculties to mindset to family dynamics. As a writer, I am in that “middle stretch” I described in my last post—neither a beginner full of fresh enthusiasm nor an established author with a name. And if that isn’t enough cause for anxiety, I am slogging through the middle of my first novel, where I’ve been stuck long enough that misgivings about whether I will ever finish have begun to take root.
On top of all this, the whole world seems to be shifting underfoot. Geopolitically, we are in the middle of a sea change, with the bumpy but continuous progress toward greater tolerance and respect for human rights taking a disturbing turn for the worse. I’ve found myself questioning whether I’m wasting my time writing and could better contribute in some other way. Could I be more successful in some other pursuit.
So when my sister who is training to be a life coach offered me a complimentary session during a recent family gathering, I gratefully took her up on it. A life coach helps clients assess their needs and goals, assists them in developing strategies and plans, and offers accountability for follow through. With her inquisitive, thoughtful, discerning nature, she is perfectly suited for the job. At first, she let me ramble on about my concerns and the various paths I’ve been contemplating. Just talking them through helped me eliminate one or two options that were not what I really wanted. When I ran out of steam, she succinctly pinpointed the things that matter most to me, and writing was one of them.
I often remind myself why I write but, ironically, talking through my doubts and the reasons why maybe I shouldn’t write was far more affirming, especially when what came across was how much writing means to me. It struck me that all those thoughts creeping in about other things I should be doing were most likely coming from fear of failure.
Then she asked a couple of salient questions:
1) What is your definition of success as a writer?
Merriam-Webster defines success as "the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame.” I’d be happy with the respect part—respect from fellow writers and some readers. I’m fully aware that becoming a bestselling author is about as likely as being struck by lightning. I look at it like falling in love: as soon as you make that the goal, you doom your chances. You come across as desperate, trying too hard. The trick is to focus on knowing yourself, pursuing your interests, developing your strengths and talents, and putting yourself out there. That’s how you end up meeting the right person. And if you don’t, you’ll be happier on your own. Similarly, you can’t aim to be on the bestseller list. You can only work on finding your voice, honing your craft, telling honest stories, and sending your work out. This isn’t exactly what I said to her—I’ve had the chance to refine it in writing, which brings me to her next question.
2) What do you enjoy about writing?
It was this question that helped clarify my thinking about the first one. As I admitted to her, I don’t always enjoy writing. There are times when it feels like torture—when I labor for hours and still can’t get across what I want to convey, or I realize what I’ve written is a load of crap. But the satisfaction when I do hit the sweet spot is worth all the agony. More importantly, even on days when writing feels like trying to extract a splinter with a cheap pair of tweezers, I feel better for having written. It helps me capture my thoughts and pin them down; it compels me to pay more attention to details and be more reflective. It helps me “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life,” as Thoreau put it. That is my definition of success, and the reason I continue to write regardless of external rewards.
That being said, I would like to have readers. Connecting with people through my writing would satisfy my desire to contribute to the world. I’ve put a lot of effort into honing my craft, but I need to get better at sending my work out. My sister/life coach was great at helping me come up with some specific writing goals, as well as other things I can do to make a difference that go hand-in-hand with writing, such as tutoring. We talked through some concrete, actionable steps I could take. I’m already feeling less stuck.
Her last suggestion was to come up with three questions to have a friend ask me (or post somewhere that I’ll see them) at least once a week—reminders to keep my focused on my goals. I’m still contemplating my questions, but one of them will be:
What have you written this week, and where could you submit it?
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